plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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