When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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