umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
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