i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
