I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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