god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
