I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
