Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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