just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Watching her eat just hurts me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
