Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
