My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
