I hope mine doesn't look like that
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
