drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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