the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
