Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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