I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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