Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
