My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
