News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
