I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She's the barista slut.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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