Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
