I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
