I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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