Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
