All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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