So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
