new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She said her name was "party"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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