Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
