her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
