If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
