There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
