I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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