I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dicks are not precious.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
