Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
