There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
