I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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