this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
