I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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