Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
