Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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