I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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