i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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