if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
