From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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