I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
