11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just threw up on my dentist
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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