ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
