Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
