New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
