I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
